Absolutely Nothing
by Brian1
Summary: Shinji thinks about his life and how he's absolutely nothing, but then he gets a surprise visit from someone close to him....


Author's Note: This is a Neon Genesis Evagelion fanfic, detailing what might be going on in Shinji Ikari's head. Be warned, this is intended to be a dark type of fic. Not happy and cheery, mind you.  
  
  
~Absolutely Nothing~  
~By Brian Marcelo~  
~brianmarcelo@hotmail.com~  
Rated PG for teen angst.  
  
  
~Beginning~  
  
  
After a long day of sync training, Shinji Ikari just fell on top of his bed and tried sleeping. Not being able to, he started to think to himself about his life...  
  
"Why...."  
  
"What did I do to deserve this?"  
  
"I wasn't a bad person. I didn't do anything wrong. Why...why is my life like this?"  
  
"Did I do anything wrong? Did I? What...why....how...?"  
  
"I didn't ask for this life. I don't want this life. I don't need this life."  
  
"I wish I could change my life..."  
  
"I wish I wasn't so nice."  
  
"I want to be able to stand up for myself."  
  
"I hate my life so much..."  
  
"I didn't do anything wrong, did I....?"  
  
"Why..."  
  
"I wish someone would understand me.".  
  
"Asuka doesn't."  
  
"Misato doesn't."  
  
"Rei doesn't."  
  
"Father doesn't."  
  
"Nobody does."  
  
"I want my mom back...."  
  
"I didn't want to pilot Eva..."  
  
"Why was I choosen to pilot Eva?"  
  
"I wasn't anything special."  
  
"I'm just a coward who couldn't stand up for himself. A coward that allows people to step all over him. A coward who just wants to shut out all the pain..."  
  
"Why? Why am I like this?"  
  
"All these thoughts in my head..."  
  
"So many..."  
  
"I wish I was well liked."  
  
"I wish I was more respected."  
  
"I wish Asuka would like me."  
  
"I wish Rei would like me."  
  
"I wish my father would comfort me."  
  
"I wish my mom was here."  
  
"I wish I was a different person."  
  
"I just want to be left alone now..."  
  
"Nobody understands."  
  
"Musn't run away..."  
  
"Must't run away..."  
  
"Why am I so afraid?"  
  
"Afraid that I'll be alone..."  
  
"Afraid that I'll die alone..."  
  
"Musn't run away..."  
  
"Musn't run away..."  
  
"Wasn't I always alone in a way? Mother died, father abandoned me...."  
  
"Am I destined to be alone?"  
  
"Why does Rei seem so familiar to me?"  
  
"She seems so familiar....."  
  
"She seems like someone I've known before..."  
  
"Why is Asuka so mean to me? "  
  
"I don't try to be better then her."  
  
"I don't exactly need her shouting at me all the time."  
  
"She always feels the need to be better."  
  
"I wonder why she feels the need to be better then everyone else."  
  
"She's very stuck up and snobby."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Deep down, she probably is just afraid...or depressed....or something..."  
  
"She's probably just acting the way she is to make her self feel good."  
  
"I'm so depressed..."  
  
"I'm just not good enough."  
  
"Why was I chosen to pilot the Eva....if I can do it, I'm sure anybody can do it much more easily."  
  
"I wish I had confidence.."  
  
"Then I could stand up for myself."  
  
"That'll never happen..."  
  
"Why do I bother?"  
  
"I want it to end..."  
  
"Musn't run away..."  
  
"Musn't run away..."  
  
"I must pilot Eva."  
  
"It was what I was born to do."  
  
"It's the only way people will respect me..."  
  
"I need to pilot Eva...."  
  
"..........."  
  
"I'm absolutely nothing......"  
  
"..........."  
  
Shinji sobbed silently as he realized that he needed to pilot Eva. It was the only thing that made him seem important. The only thing that made him stand out. The only thing that made him useful. The only thing that got him any respect. The only thing that made him more then being simply nothing.  
  
He put on his SuperDAT and listened to a few songs to calm him to sleep.  
  
All the sudden he saw a faint outline of someone quietly opening his door. He closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep.  
  
"Poor Shinji-kun...."  
  
Misato quietly slipped into his room and walked up to his bed. Shinji was starting to freak out, wondering what she was gonna do.  
  
She sat down next to him and softly put her hand through his hair, quietly singing him a song. She starting talking to him, despite the fact he was "asleep".  
  
"My poor Shinji-kun...having to pilot Eva to keep our city of Tokyo 3 and all it's people safe from those bastard Angels...." she said, bitter-ness apparent in her voice as she said the word "Angel".  
  
"If it weren't for those damn "Angels" from attacking us, maybe I could be more of a mother to you, my dear sweet Shinji-kun," she said while ruffling his hair a little, "especially since you never really had one...."  
  
Shinji was surprised at what Misato was saying and how she was acting, but all he did was pretend to be sleeping still as he was liking this type of attention.  
  
"You know, you're the closest thing I have to a kid....I could never have any of my own...you know what I mean...?" she said softly, with tears forming in her eyes. Shinji knew what she meant, and he felt so sorry for her...he desperately resisted the urge to wipe her tears away.  
  
"No..of course not...I mean, you know, you're sleeping right now...you can't hear a word I'm saying...silly Misato...ne?" she said sadly.  
  
Misato huggled him gently and gave him a kiss on forehead. "Goodnight my Shinji-kun, thanks for listening to my ramblings......"  
  
"Goodnight to you too...m..m..Misato..." he said quietly, as she closed the door.  
  
  
~~~End~~~ 


End file.
